I’ve Identified Why Our World Is Spinning Out of Control

I have had a long standing belief that a true holiday is celebrated with Ham.  For me it is not a real holiday in any sense of the word if there is no Ham.  I do not mean to say that holiday’s must feature a pork product of some kind because then I would be on holiday all the time by my constant consumption of bacon.  Instead I mean ham as in spiral, Virginia baked, Polish canned, peppered, etc…. although I have in the past extended the exception that if there is a holiday and you serve hamburgers it can qualify (Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, etc…).  Yes I understand that hamburgers are beef and ham is pork and that they come from two different animals.  But honestly, who doesn’t enjoy a juicy hamburger fresh off the grill with a nice melted slab of cheese on the top?  Well maybe the veggie nuts but they always seem unhappy anyway so I have a feeling they are never on a holiday.

In anycase, I am getting off track.  In reviewing my preference of holidays I stumbled across a strange little fact and currently the entire world is off alignment because of it.  Obviously the number one holiday of the year is Christmas.  Besides having the downside of having to spend time with extended family for an extended period of time, Christmas is really the pure breed of Holiday’s.  Christmas has a larger than life mascot, Santa Claus.  Christmas has presents.  Christmas has ham, unless you are some sort of anti-ham celebrator in which case your holidays probably suck.  And Christmas has candy.  You can intersperse a series of other things that might make you happy to celebrate Christmas, like the arbitrary selection of a date in December to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ or cookies but nothing really compares to the fact that Christmas has the big four in terms of holiday celebrations.

Second on the list is Easter.  It too has the unfortunate downside of extended family and extended visits but they are generally overcome by the fact that those people have to work the next day and thus their visits are generally shorter than on Christmas.  It too can have presents but the Easter Bunny (larger than life mascot) does not have a magical sack to store stuff in, instead carrying around a much less practical magical basket that does not seem to have the capacity that St. Nick’s sack does thus presents on Easter are almost always an afterthought and certainly in less quantity.  However Easter does have ham and it does have candy.  So Easter can also have the big four in terms of holiday celebrations.

Third on the list is my birthday, which honestly has no unfortunate downsides except for the lack of candy, which can be easily remedied with a trip to the grocery story.  It has presents and it generally has hamburgers, which qualify under the Holiday Exception Act of 1978.  And it has me, so three out of four isn’t too bad.  Which brings me to the fourth best holiday and this is where everything gets thrown out of whack.  That holiday is Halloween.  It has a larger than life mascot, that being The Great Pumpkin and it has candy, supplying it with two out of the four holiday definers.  However it does not have ham, which means that Halloween is not really a holiday, yet at the same time it is the fourth best holiday.  This of course throws our world out of whack and we are currently spiraling towards doom.  I suppose you could inject some ham into the holiday by having a ham sandwich or a hamburger (HEA1978) but generally you are so busy getting yourself dressed into some sort of ridiculous costume to go out and beg for a sugary treat like a homeless person begging for spare change that ham doesn’t come into focus until it is too late and you are relaxing on your couch eating unchecked candy out of a pillow sack and watching a slasher film made by John Carpenter and really I think the damage is already done.

Anyway this revelation has thrown the world off its axis and we are very quickly spinning towards doom, maybe even as soon as the next 400 or 500 years.  When the world falls apart or is hit by a giant asteroid you will know whom to blame.  That being of course, Charlie Brown.

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